Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
