don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
ttyl tear gas
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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