first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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