i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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