At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
