Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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