Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
