Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize