at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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