Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
