I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drunk is a universal language darling
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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