Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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