I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
