you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
