my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
