WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
