My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
