Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
