just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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