forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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