the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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