last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
