You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
