Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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