If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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