this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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