hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
