24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
