why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
