Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
