I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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