Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize