I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
