I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
