I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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