I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
