update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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