So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
