How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No subtext here. People are naked.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
