Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
