Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize