If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love you.
Bad choice
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize