dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
