So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
