How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
