omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
