I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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