Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
