can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize