i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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