Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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