1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
