God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No subtext here. People are naked.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
