Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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