6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
