my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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