just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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