there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
